I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
