he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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