I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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