Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drake has all the answers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize