if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize