The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
