I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
