omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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