FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
