Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize