He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
