I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
