So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
