please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
