Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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