Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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