What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
