What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
