Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
