the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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