If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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