great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
