He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
