My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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