is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
