I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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