Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
