we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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