oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
