i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
