the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
