I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
