Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
