he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
