A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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