1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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