I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize