There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
