I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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