I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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