ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
