You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize