you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
