He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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