Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
