I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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