my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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