you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
