i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
