I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
