my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
