I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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