I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
