I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
