It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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