This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
